As we journey through the addiction of someone we love, we have lots of conversations. Some of them are great, meaning they leave us or the other person feeling stronger, or they edify in some way, or they give us peace. Some of them are bad because we get sucked into a dysfunctional loop of craziness. Still others are downright ugly, with accusations, name-calling, and language that hurts to the core. I have been in all of those kinds of conversations. And often the bad ones are not solely because of the other person. I come to the conversation with baggage and with communication patterns that aren't healthy.

Last week I wrote about sustained recovery, when the addict is free from addiction for a sustained time and is growing spiritually and emotionally. I spoke with someone after that episode who said that I had not yet covered the season they are in. They gave me another one - sustained addiction.

Sustained addiction is when you believe the addict will not recover, will not stop, does not see a problem, or cannot stop. You expect them to die with an active addiction. Their health will continue to deteriorate until their body can no longer support them.

Sometimes we are blessed to see the one we love living in sustained recovery. Not everyone makes it here. Some stay in early recovery for decades, until the end of their lives. But what we hope for is that the addict makes it to this healthy, God-centered place of addiction recovery.

So what is sustained recovery? How is it different from early recovery?

In the movie 28 Days, Sandra Bullock plays a woman who goes into rehab for alcohol addiction. She asks her counselor when she can start dating again. He said in the first year, get a plant. If that survives, you can get a pet in the second year. If the pet survives, then you can consider dating.

The counselor is describing early recovery. The addict cannot be in a healthy relationship during this time because they are not yet healed. If you have lived with someone during early recovery, you know this to be true.

We have been exploring the different times in our relationship with an addict. This post is about what is often the hardest place in the addiction journey. I have not had to bear this suffering, but I know many who have. Many who have lost a child to addiction through death. The addict can die from an overdose, suicide, violence, or accidents. The recovery you prayed for never came, or it came for a short time and then was gone. With death, it's over. In a way. But in another way, it is never over because when someone you love dies, you never fully recover from that. And our grief is more complex when the one who died was suffering from the disease of addiction.

When I was in college (many years ago) I considered becoming a therapist. My career goal was to counsel women in prison. At the time, I had never met anyone who had been to prison. I did not know where the nearest prison was. I didn't know there was a difference between prison and jail. I had so little experience of the world that I would not have been much use to anyone in prison.

Sometimes, in our relationship with an addict, we become estranged. We have no contact for months or even years. My sister, Mary, experienced this many times with her daughter, Jennifer. She would go months without hearing from her. When Mary and I talked about the different times in the addiction journey, she said, other than Jennifer's death, this was the most difficult time.

Stagnant water is ugly, smelly, putrid, clouded, lifeless. There is no activity except the insects that buzz around the surface. It's nasty, and it's hard to see beauty in a stagnant body of water.

Sometimes on the journey with an addict, we are in a time of stagnation.

When you love an addict, you sometimes have to make hard decisions. These happen throughout the life of the addiction. Some decisions are minor; others can be life-changing. We want to make decisions that honor God, protect those who need it, and acknowledge the reality of the situation for us and the addict.

When someone you love has an addiction, especially alcohol or drug abuse, it's likely that they will spend some time in a drug rehab center. One statistic I found said that 40-60% who go through rehab relapse in the first year. The numbers vary based on the type of addiction. Many go through rehab multiple times. That's why this post is titled 'The Rehab Roller Coaster.' There are ups and downs, big ups and deep downs. And it's usually a really long ride.

[This is part of a series on addiction from the perspective of one who loves the addict, not the addict him/herself.]

Apollo 13 is the NASA mission where an oxygen tank exploded on the way to the moon. The famous quote from this disaster is "Houston, we have a problem." This phrase is one we often use to indicate a serious problem that requires immediate attention.

When we become aware of the addiction of someone we love, we have a problem. It's serious, and it requires immediate attention. How we handle that problem matters. Unfortunately, there is not a guaranteed one-size-fits-all solution. In the movie Apollo 13, Mission Control in Houston works with the astronauts to find a solution. They try a lot of different things before they find the solution that will bring them home.

This is the beginning of a series on addiction. But it isn't about addicts; it is for those who love them. When a family member or friend is addicted, there is a great spiritual battle happening, not just in their life, but in the lives of those around them.