Colleen Orchanian

When I was in college (many years ago) I considered becoming a therapist. My career goal was to counsel women in prison. At the time, I had never met anyone who had been to prison. I did not know where the nearest prison was. I didn't know there was a difference between prison and jail. I had so little experience of the world that I would not have been much use to anyone in prison.

Many years later, things are different. I've known quite a few who have spent months and even years incarcerated, all as a result of addiction. Not because of the drugs or alcohol necessarily (although some were arrested for possession or dealing), but for crimes that come with living that kind of life. Violence, theft, accidents while under the influence, and more. This isn't a part of the world that I ever wanted to know about, but it is my reality today.

We experience a lot of negative emotions when the addict we love is arrested and incarcerated. For example:

• Shame. For some families, jail is very common. It may even be expected, and there isn't much judgment around it. For others, those like mine who never knew someone in jail, it would have been a great embarrassment. We would try to keep it a secret, never mentioning it to anyone. If someone found out, we might want to hide away, go into isolation. I live in a small town, and the drug arrests are on the front page of the newspaper. Imagine being a teenager and your mom or dad's mugshot is out there for everyone to see. It's humiliating. Or you are active at church, and your spouse is on the front page. What will people think? Shame is very big.

• Disappointment. You knew this was possible, but you had hoped that they would hit rock bottom without ending up in jail. The disappointments of jail are stacked on the other disappointments. What they used to be. What they could have been. How they have cut you to the heart when they should love you. So many disappointments come to the surface when they are in jail.

• Frustration. Addicts lie, and just because they are in jail doesn't mean they will stop lying. They lie to get what they want. They may call you and say they need you to do something immediately. My sister or her husband would always call the jail and verify whatever she was telling them, and often it was not true. They learned to say, "We'll talk about it and get back to you," never giving an immediate answer. Nothing was ever as urgent or as dire as the addict said it was.

• Resentment. Maybe their incarceration has created more work for you. If it's your spouse, you are now responsible for everything, including paying bills. You might end up a full-time parent to your grandkids at a time when you thought you could take it easy and retire. It's easy to resent the disruption in your life plans.

There are also some positive emotions during this time:

• Hope: Maybe now they can get clean and sober, because they can't do it while still hanging out with other addicts. They cannot do it if they are free.

• Relief: You know where they are and you know they are alive. Sometimes that is a blessing. There is much less fear.

• Healing: Sometimes the person in jail can see things more clearly. They realize the pain they have caused, the damage done, the hurtful words, and they ask for forgiveness. They might even acknowledge the wisdom of your words or actions. "Thank you for not bailing me out. I need to be here." My sister, Mary, said that she got some of the most beautiful letters from her daughter while she was in jail. That was a great comfort because so much of their communication had been ugly and hateful.

Often we hear judgmental comments from others that can be very hurtful and unhelpful. For example:

• Why won't you bail them out? What kind of mother/spouse/friend are you? One woman told her kids, who were using drugs, that she would not bail them out if they were arrested. She had warned them in advance, so they knew the consequences. That didn't stop people from judging her decision.

• The opposite: Why did you bail them out? They won't get better if you don't allow them to experience the consequences of their actions.

• Why won't you pay for an attorney? The public defender doesn't know what they are doing. If you loved them, you would.

Someone will always judge your decisions in a negative light, especially if they have dealt with the same thing and did something different from you. Whatever decision you make will be criticized by someone. We often second-guess our decisions because of the criticism of others; our minds are clouded and we can't see things clearly. But the roller coaster has paused for a bit, and you can breathe. You can take time to think through a decision without fearing that it is a life or death issue or worrying about what others think you should do. You can make a decision and stick with it, trusting that God will work all things for good.

Use this time to breathe. Breathing is important. Things slow down, and we can recover from the crazy ride we've been on. We know we won't get a call from them at 2 in the morning talking nonsense or freaking out. We will not have to leave our vacation early to fix something they messed up. We can experience a kind of peace when they are in jail. We are no longer living on high alert.

The question is, what do we do with that time of peace, that respite?

• Visit them in jail if you can. It may be one of the most normal conversations you will have with the addict. There are two reasons for that. First, there are rules, and they have to follow them, so you are less likely to have the drama that has been normal before they went to jail. Second, they are clean and sober, and they have time to think about their life in a way they couldn't while under the influence. You might hear some good things, some healing things.

• Pray for them. You probably do this all the time anyway. Keep on praying. And pray with them when you visit. Write prayers in your letters to them. It doesn't matter if they are not a believer. Do it anyway. Write to them about God's merciful love, and how God still loves them, no matter what. They are a beloved child of God, and His arms are open to their return.

• Seek healing for yourself. It's okay to focus on you for a time. There are so many wounds inflicted by an addict. What are yours? What lies are you living with? What truth do you read in God's Word? Find a good counselor, go to AlAnon meetings, get a spiritual director, or speak with a wise spiritual friend. Let this be a time of healing when you aren't distracted by the chaos of the addict. You want to become stronger spiritually and emotionally because you will need that when they get out of jail.

• Pray for yourself. Ask especially for the virtue of humility. Jesus spoke often about this virtue, and He lived it.

The Virtue of Humility

Humility is in part having a truthful self-appraisal. An addict often places blame on those around him or her. Everything is our fault. A natural response, at least for me, is to reject that and place all the blame on them. An honest self-appraisal grounded in the virtue of humility allows me to see and admit how I may have enabled the addiction. I'm not taking all the blame, only acknowledging that I made mistakes.

Here is an example of how that might work in a non-addictive situation. I once had a motorcycle accident. It was not my fault, but I could have done things to avoid the accident. I was coming off a red light and accelerated faster than I needed to. I wasn't speeding, but I could have had a more gradual pace off the light. A car pulled out in front of me, and I went down trying to avoid the car, which I did. I had learned in motorcycle training how to handle a quick stop like that, but didn't do what I was taught. So I had two actions that contributed to the accident, even though it wasn't technically my fault. If I don't consider my contribution to the accident, how will I improve as a rider? How will I prevent that from happening again? Self-knowledge is important to grow in humility.

Humility also allows us to admit our dependence on God, rejecting the ungodly self-reliance that we've been living: I can fix the addict. I can control her life. I can keep all these balls in the air without it affecting my health. I can do it myself. The truth is, I can do nothing without God.

When I have the virtue of humility, I surrender my way, my will, my desire for worldly approval. When I surrender those things, I am also letting go of the fears that are imprisoning me. Fear of what others think. Fear of letting someone into my pain. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of not being perfect. So often we are driven by fear when we have the cross of addiction. But God's Word tells us that perfect love casts out fear. God is that perfect love. When we are secure in His love, there is no room for fear. Seek this truth as you pray for yourself.

Saint Rita of Cascia

Our saintly inspiration this week is St. Rita of Cascia. She was married to a violent man and prayed for 18 years for his conversion, which happened just before he was murdered. She was able to forgive his killers, but her two sons would not. They vowed revenge, which grieved her greatly. She feared for their souls and prayed that they would be spared from committing a mortal sin. If it were God’s will, she asked that they be taken to heaven before that could happen. Her prayer was answered. Both died of natural causes before they could take their revenge. What a hard prayer that must have been to pray! May St. Rita inspire us to pray the hard prayers, prayers for the salvation of the souls of those we love who are imprisoned by their addiction.

Questions for prayer

1. How has God worked in your life when your addict was imprisoned?

2. If you are in this season of addiction now, what can you do to begin or continue the healing process?

3. Who can you share your struggles and sorrows with during this time? Who will be your confidante?