Colleen Orchanian

Sometimes, in our relationship with an addict, we become estranged. We have no contact for months or even years. My sister, Mary, experienced this many times with her daughter, Jennifer. She would go months without hearing from her. When Mary and I talked about the different times in the addiction journey, she said, other than Jennifer's death, this was the most difficult time.

It is also a time of respite and can be a time of healing. The daily drama, anger, and tension are gone. You don't have to walk on eggshells. You can breathe again. It's like having someone yelling in your face with a bullhorn and finally dropping it and leaving you alone. You're shaken up, but there is a relief that it has ended for a time. Now what do you do? I suggest you focus on healing. You have many wounds, probably some of them pretty raw. The battle is not over; you will likely engage again. Rebuild your strength to fight the enemy, who is the devil, not the addict.

Healing during estrangement should be a priority. It takes self-knowledge, especially related to the addiction journey you have been on. Look at where you have been and where you are today.

Where have you been? How did the estrangement come about? It can be triggered in many ways.

• Maybe you made a hard decision and asked for a separation. You told your alcoholic spouse to leave. You kicked out the child who was abusing drugs. You told your addicted parent or sibling to stop calling unless they were sober. If this is the case, you probably understood, at least to some degree, what it meant. You would have radio silence for a while.

• Maybe you changed your pattern of communicating with the addict, no longer appeasing them, refusing to accept the criticisms they hurl at you, challenging them to change, and they got mad and stopped calling. When you set and enforce boundaries, they often walk away. If you would not give them what they wanted, why should they call?

• Or maybe you didn't do anything. They simply got so deep into the addiction that they disappeared.

Here are some lies we hear during a time of estrangement (and there are many). These are lies that can indicate areas that need healing:

• If only I had done this or said that, they would still be here.

• I am a terrible person because I am relieved that they are gone.

• I want them to get arrested, but it's wrong to desire that.

• Pushing them away is only making them go deeper into the addiction, doing things that are dangerous and immoral. That will be my fault.

Whatever lies you are hearing during this time, identify them. Sometimes our thoughts are very dark, and we don't want to admit them, but if we keep them in the dark, we can't identify the lies. It's always better to bring things into the light. Once you know the lies, you can reject them because you know they come from the devil, the father of lies.

Estrangement is difficult, and some factors affect how difficult it will be.

When we are in a relationship with an addict, we often become estranged from others. For example, if it's your spouse, you might have already become estranged from your family and friends because of the addiction. If that is the case, when we are estranged from the addict, there is no one to help us through it. You may have work to restore some of those broken relationships.

Another factor that matters is your relationship to the addict. My sister had an addicted daughter. It hits differently when you have raised this child from birth. There is often more self-blame. My addict is a spiritual daughter, but not my own flesh and blood. I met her when she was 18. Estrangement touches me differently. The children I raise, my addict's children, experience it in another way, more of abandonment. If the addict were my husband and he left, I would have to deal with the potential end of a marriage and the failure of divorce. There are always complications that affect how we experience estrangement. Name those complications. How does this make you feel about yourself? About others who are involved? And about God? What healing is needed in these areas?

When there is no contact, there is a lot of fear. Mary said that it was the hardest time because she didn't know if her daughter was in jail or dead. She would cry herself to sleep. If she faced challenges at work, under normal circumstances she could deal with them. But during a time of estrangement, she didn't have the strength. She needed to be treated more tenderly, more gently, because she was hurting.

Another challenge is the well-intentioned questions we might hear (at least we will assume they are well-intentioned). Where's your husband? I haven't seen him in a while. How is your daughter/son doing? Have you heard from them lately? How do you respond? How much information do you need to share? Can you speak without crying? Do you lie and say all is well? How do these questions affect your self-image? We can learn during this time what to say and how to say it.

We might find that our friends and family are not helpful when we need to talk. And we do need to talk to someone during this time. God doesn't expect us to carry this cross alone. He has a Simon of Cyrene to help us. But who is that Simon? It may not be who you think.

Simon Peter did not help Jesus carry His cross. Instead, He suggested that Jesus not go to the cross, and Simon heard a harsh rebuke. "Get behind me, Satan!" We may have friends who are like Simon Peter. Out of love for us, they tear down the addict; after all, they have caused us so much pain. But we don't want to hear that. It isn't helpful. Still, they are often acting out of love for us, and we want to acknowledge that, even if their words are not at all helpful.

Instead of Simon Peter, we need a Simon of Cyrene who will walk beside us. They won't complain about the injustice, tell you what to do, or suggest that it's somehow your fault. They won't whine about the fact that you took so long to reach out. They listen. They give you godly advice and insist that you decide. They feel your pain, even if they can't relate. They protect you by keeping your confidences. They pray with and for you. They love you.

It is important to choose our friends wisely when we need healing, and this is a time for healing. We probably can't heal our relationship with the addict right now, but we can heal from the wounds of our broken relationship. We can heal our self-image, which is surely distorted by the effects of the addiction. We can heal our relationship with God, and this is most important. We have to surrender the addict we love to God's providence. We pray for their freedom from addiction, but even more important than that, we pray for their salvation. Ultimately, this matters most.

The Virtue of Trust

A helpful virtue in a time of estrangement is trust. God has been walking with us every day, even when we can't feel Him. The devil suggests otherwise because the addiction remains. Like the disciples on the road to Emmaus, we think all is lost. We had such hope, and then the crucifixion. As Jesus walked with them, He opened the scriptures to show how all of this was God's plan. God's perfect plan. God has a perfect plan for you and for the addict you love. In those moments when it doesn't look that way, we need trust. We need to cultivate that virtue.

How? Scripture is and always will be the answer. We cannot trust the one we don't know. We cannot entrust someone who is living a dangerous life to someone we think is distant, or vengeful, or harsh. God is the perfect balance of mercy and justice. Read and meditate on the Gospels and ask God to show you who He is, to help you surrender all to Him. You are placing the one you love in the hands of the One who loves you and the addict perfectly. Make it your prayer and desire to know and trust the Father above, the Father Jesus has revealed to us.

What do we pray for? Please God, let me hear something. Heal her. Save her soul. Take away my fear. Give me strength. Keep me from despair. Show me who can help me; my Simon of Cyrene. Show me who You are so that I can trust You in the unknowing. In all things, not my will but yours.

St. Monica Understands

The saint for this season is St. Monica, the mother of St. Augustine. Augustine was a brilliant man, but he lived a life of pleasure and immorality for decades. We know him as a great scholar and Doctor of the Church, but he was an unbeliever for many years, and that caused his mother much grief. She prayed for 30 years for his conversion, offering us a model of hope and perseverance. At one point, Augustine lied to his mother and snuck away from North Africa to escape her influence and her constant monitoring. When Monica complained to her Bishop, who would become St. Ambrose, he told her, "You should talk less to Augustine about God and more to God about Augustine." We can learn from her to be patient and persistent in prayer.

Questions for prayer

1. How do you feel about yourself, God, and others during this time of estrangement? What lies can you identify in these feelings?

2. Who is (or has been) your Simon of Cyrene during this time? Who can help you carry this cross in a way that strengthens you, heals you, and brings you closer to God?

3. What will you do to trust more completely in God's perfect plan for you, the addict, and your family?