Colleen Orchanian

I've been talking about addiction from the perspective of those who love an addict. We might think that the addiction journey is a stumbling block to spiritual progress, but that's not true. More often the cross brings us closer to God than do times of comfort and prosperity. This is reflected in a card I once read. The outside cover said, "We learn the most from our worst experiences." On the inside it read, "That's a stupid system."

Of course, it isn't so stupid because God knows our struggles make us stronger and the easy times can make us weak and lazy. As I reflect on my journey with an addict, I know I have grown spiritually. And it wasn't just that I was getting older and time passed. It was because I was challenged in how I live my faith. We might say, like Peter, Lord, I will die with you. I won't lose faith. It is easy to say it and hard to live it. We could, like Peter, fail to be all that we want to be when the cross is heavy. But until we have the cross, we can't know how we will respond. We might fall away for a time and then, like Peter, return stronger than ever.

So the conversation today is about how we can make spiritual progress through the cross of addiction. Maybe that cross is exactly what we need to become a saint.

Consider Simon of Cyrene. He is the man who was conscripted to help Jesus carry the cross when Jesus was too weak. Simon was on vacation in Jerusalem with his two sons. He didn't want to carry the cross because he didn't deserve it. He wasn't a criminal. He had done nothing wrong. But imagine his conversion through the cross. It became a gift to carry the cross with Jesus! Can we see our cross in that way, knowing we don't deserve it? Maybe the cross is the addict's and we are helping them carry it.

Whether it is our cross, or it belongs to the addict, God can transform us through it. What might that transformation look like? I propose five beliefs that we can come to know as we make progress.

Belief #1: I am powerless but don't feel vulnerable. The first of the twelve steps in recovery is to admit that we are powerless over the addiction. That's true for the addict and for those who love them. The addict is powerless and can't have healthy recovery through their own willpower. What about us? We, too, are powerless over their addiction. Try as we might, we can't make them want it badly enough or love us deeply enough to stop. We can't control their environment enough to limit access to whatever they are addicted to. We can't make things easy enough or remove all their triggers so that they do not want it. It doesn't work that way. We are powerless and must admit it. When we know that, it seems crazy, but it actually brings peace.

For me, I found relief because I was no longer failing to control their addiction. I could choose not to accept that burden—that it was up to me. I rejected that spiritual attack. I knew I was powerless, and it was okay. At the same time, I didn't feel vulnerable, which is a reasonable fear when you are powerless. Why is that? Because I knew that God had the power, and God is good. A child doesn't feel vulnerable when they are with their father because they know Daddy will protect them. I could surrender the whole situation to God. I trusted that He would work all things for good. I accepted my poverty, my lack of control. Did this happen quickly? No, it was years of failure. But it's where I am now, and I am grateful. I have peace in the storm. I surrender my need for control to God.

Belief #2: I know I am guilty and imperfect. I am not as virtuous as I thought. I felt superior and was judging. Like Peter, I was overconfident. When faced with the sins of an addict, our own faults seem inconsequential; no big deal. We may not even see them because we face such evil and ugliness every day. To make spiritual progress, I need to have an honest appraisal of who I am. My friend calls it radical honesty. This can be difficult because the addict often accuses us when we fall short, and that raises our defenses. How dare they when they are so much worse!

Can we see our faults, and when we do, can we accept them without self-condemnation? That's progress. God sees our faults and loves us. He wants us to know our faults so that He can heal them, use them, and draw us closer to Him through them. He doesn't want us to dwell on them, but to understand why they are a problem and seek to grow in virtue, to become a saint. I can't become a saint if I don't admit that I am a sinner, and not generically—yeah, we are all sinners—but in a specific way. I do these things that are hurtful. I think these thoughts that are uncharitable. When we know and acknowledge our faults, and receive God's mercy, we are making spiritual progress.

Belief #3: I am strong when I speak the truth with love. In the beginning, it was hard to speak the truth. The addict would ask, "Do you think I am a bad mom?" I knew what she wanted to hear as an answer, and that's what I would say. But afterwards, it bothered me. She wanted reassurance that things were fine, but they weren't. What good did my lie do, but possibly delay her recovery?

So one day I decided I would always speak the truth, and I told her that. If she didn't want to know what I thought, she should not ask the question. I could say, "I think you can be a good mom, but right now, you're not because…" There is a culture of dishonesty with addiction. When we choose not to be part of that culture, we are making spiritual progress.

Maybe the truth part is easy for you, but the love part, not so much. The change for me came when I cared more for her soul than stopping the addiction. I said, "What you're doing is bad for your family and bad for your soul." It's not that I pretended to care about her soul. I really did. God changed my heart. It is the shift from being bothered by the pain they cause you and others, to their pain. We see them as Jesus saw and pitied the lost sheep. This is when I became strong, confident in my faith, confident in the truth.

Belief #4: I have deep wounds that God wants to heal, wounds that were there before addiction entered the picture. We get wounded on the addiction journey. It's a hard one. And often we see only the wounds of the present, when the wounds of the past are important, too. Maybe I pushed down all those bad memories from childhood and thought I had dealt with the scars. When I get into an addictive relationship, I realize that I have not fully healed from the past. I only pushed away the feelings. I can't blame the addict for everything.

The present wounds of addiction bring out the old wounds. Healing the present wounds doesn't touch the old ones. If I want spiritual progress, I need to go deep into the past. It is scary because I don't want to relive the pain. I wonder if it might break me. The more trust I have in God's love for me, the more likely I am to seek deep healing. To allow God into my darkest places, my most tender memories. When I do that, I am making spiritual progress.

Belief #5: I am loved and I matter. This belief overcomes self-rejection, the feeling that I'm not enough, that my feelings aren't important. This isn't the same as being strident and pushy and vengeful. It's not arrogance. It's not demanding submission from the other. It's all about how God sees me, and learning to see myself in the same way. As His beloved child. One who is broken and loved. One who is imperfect, but perfectly loved by God.

You might notice that all of these beliefs are about me and God. They are not about the addict. Why? Because spiritual progress is not about the addict. I can make (and should make) spiritual progress regardless of what is happening with the addict. There is a holy focus on self. I say holy because it's about drawing myself closer to God, not about my ego.

So how do we get there? How do we come to believe the truth about ourselves and about God? (Which is what spiritual progress is all about.)

Here are some practical things you can do to make spiritual progress:

1. Be faithful in prayer. Set aside time every day to talk with God with no distractions. If you have a busy life, this may be in the middle of the night, or waking up early, or while putting the kids to sleep. Make an appointment with God and keep it. Even when prayer is dry and you don't think you're getting anything out of it, do it anyway. Don't stop. We have to slow down to hear God's voice.

2. Practice a daily examen. That is a review of your day, reflecting how God worked in your life, what spiritual attacks you faced, how you loved, and how you failed. We need to know ourselves and our weaknesses, and the examen is a great tool for this. It can take only 5 minutes a day.

3. Read and meditate on Scripture. We can't trust a God we don't know. The Bible is God's love letter to us. Read it over and over. Read about the Good Samaritan. That's God, and we are the man beaten and left for dead. Read about the Prodigal Son. We are one of the sons (maybe the older one) and the Father is God. Read about the Samaritan woman at the well, suspicious of Jesus and His intentions. We, too, can wonder if God is who He says He is. Ask God to speak to you through His Word. What can you learn about Him? What does this say about how He loves you?

4. Work through the Twelve Steps of AA. These are for us as well as addicts. There is great healing in the process. If you have already gone through the steps, do them again. Go deeper. There is always more. The steps are about spiritual progress and healing. I did a series on healing early in the year. You can find it here. Also learn about the Twelve Steps.

5. Practice forgiveness. This is so important. We won't make progress until we forgive those who have caused us pain. We also need to forgive ourselves. Sometimes I think people struggle with this because they don't know what true forgiveness is. If this is a stumbling block for you, check out what I wrote on this called Free at Last. You can find it here.

The question is: do you want to grow in your relationship with God? I'm not talking about a higher power, which can describe many kinds of gods. I mean the one true God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The Christian God is the only God. Get to know Him. Allow Him to touch your heart as you carry the cross of addiction. Allow Him to heal the wounds from carrying the cross and the wounds from the past.

Wherever you are spiritually, you aren't done. Not until you take your final breath. Jesus told us to seek, and we shall find. Stand on that promise. Seek God, and He will grant you your heart's desire.

Questions for prayer:

1. Which of the five beliefs do you hold? Which is difficult for you to believe?

2. What one thing will you do to make spiritual progress?