Colleen Orchanian

As we journey through the addiction of someone we love, we have lots of conversations. Some of them are great, meaning they leave us or the other person feeling stronger, or they edify in some way, or they give us peace. Some of them are bad because we get sucked into a dysfunctional loop of craziness. Still others are downright ugly, with accusations, name-calling, and language that hurts to the core. I have been in all of those kinds of conversations. And often the bad ones are not solely because of the other person. I come to the conversation with baggage and with communication patterns that aren't healthy.

How can we have more of the good conversations and fewer of the bad and ugly ones? As Christians, the more we grow spiritually and emotionally, the greater the chance of having good conversations even with the stress of addiction.

Who are we having conversations with, and what makes them difficult?

• We have conversations with the addict. Some of these are good, especially when they are in a good place emotionally. More of them are horrible because they are in a bad place—drunk or high, in withdrawal, in a state of mental confusion, wanting something you won't give them. They may be unreceptive to what you have to say. Both of you come into the conversation with needs or objectives, often unrealistic or contradictory. All of those things make it hard to have healthy conversations with an addict.

• We have conversations with family members about the addict. Some agree that there is a problem, and others don't. Some criticize the hard stance we take, the boundary we set. Some enable the addict when we ask them not to. Others may accuse us of enabling when we aren't setting boundaries. These conversations can be very argumentative and judgmental, with both sides trying to convince the other of their position.

• We have conversations with our friends about the challenges in dealing with addiction. They may be dear friends who help us gain perspective and discern a tough decision. That's a blessing. Or they may be well-meaning friends who hate seeing us suffer and demonize the addict. They want to give us advice that we may not need or want. They are genuinely looking out for us, but they aren't helping, and the conversations leave us feeling frustrated and alone. We may feel like there is nobody we can talk to about this.

These conversations can be stressful and unproductive, but we can change how we engage with others. We can identify unhealthy patterns and change them.

Identifying Conversation Patterns

How do we identify those patterns that result in bad and ugly conversations? An exercise I learned in spiritual director training might be helpful. During that process, we practiced being a spiritual director with a volunteer, somebody who would go through about three months of direction with us, knowing that we were still in training. After each session, we trainees would write a "verbatim." It was, as best we could remember it, the actual words they said and the words and thoughts we had in response. It wouldn't cover everything, but had enough that we could share it with our instructor so she could give us feedback.

The verbatim process can be helpful in learning your patterns of communication because it takes you out of the immediate conflict and gives you a deeper understanding of what's happening.

Here's how you can use verbatim as a tool for analyzing your conversations. Divide a piece of paper into two columns. On the left side, write what you or they said. On the right side, write what you were thinking or feeling at that moment: distress, frustration, sadness, disappointment, anger, hurt, rage, compassion, love, pity, peace. Be as honest as possible about your feelings.

Here is an example:
 

This conversation can continue in an attack/counter-attack mode for a long time. That's a pattern.

As you complete the verbatim, include as much detail as you need or can remember. Then step away from it for a while, a day or so, to give you perspective. You want to get away from the incident and the emotions that were stirred up there. Do some chores. Go shopping. Go to work.

Analyzing the patterns

Then take time with God and ask Him to reveal the patterns in the conversation. Here are some possible patterns:

• They attack. I attack back. Repeat until someone walks away.

• They yell. I cower and give in.

• They hang up or walk away. I chase after and beg them to talk.

• I give advice; they reject it; I suggest something else; they reject it .

When we analyze the pattern, we have to look at our own unhealthy communication practices—what we are contributing to the conversation because that is the only thing we can control. We learn our triggers and how they lead us to negative results. It's not about what they are doing wrong, but our response to their words and actions.

It is helpful if you can analyze different conversations—at least one that went well and several that went poorly. What was different? Were you in a different place emotionally, or were they? Did you resist responding emotionally in one but not the other? Try to find all the differences. All of this analysis is best done in prayer, with Jesus. He gives us the perspective we need to see things objectively.

Changing patterns

After analyzing the patterns, we work to change the unhealthy ones. What are our options when a conversation takes a wrong turn?

• Stay calm. Prayer helps here.

• Be honest. If they ask, Don't you trust me? Speak the truth. No, I don't. I wish I could, but I can't.

• When under attack, avoid responding in kind.

• Find something encouraging or positive to say. It may be to affirm that you love them, even though this is difficult.

• Acknowledge their feelings. You may think they shouldn't feel that way, but it doesn't change the fact that they do. Sometimes it helps a person to know that the other sees their pain.

• Name your own feelings. Your feelings are valid, even if others reject them. One of my friends in an addictive relationship has a great way of communicating with her husband. She speaks about her needs, which means she first has to identify what they are. She tells him; I need to know… or I need to feel this from you right now… She isn't being dramatic or weepy when she says it. She isn't accusing him of not meeting her needs. (You always or you never… ) She states it matter-of-factly and calmly. I admire her greatly for her ability to do that.

• Stick to your guns. If you said you would not give them money, don't. Try the "broken record" technique in assertiveness. This is where you repeat the same thing over and over, without giving any additional explanation. This also works with family and friends who want to tell you what to do.

• Know when to walk away from the conversation. You can warn them and then hang up or leave. For example, If you cuss about the kids one more time, I'm hanging up.

If these are not your normal responses in a conversation, you are changing the pattern. Your new response will surprise them. They will most likely continue with the old pattern for a while, but if you persist, you can break it.

Healing is the key

The way we change patterns is through healing of our heart, healing from our trauma, becoming stronger through healing. Addiction creates insecurity and doubt. If I am surrounded by addicts, I might come to think that I'm the crazy one. Healing helps me see things as they really are. I become more confident in my decisions and in conversations. I have to be actively seeking healing regardless of what the addict is doing, whether they indulge or are in recovery.

Begin now to analyze your conversations each day. What is happening? Why? How satisfied are you with them? Where is your heart? How do you need to change? How do you need to heal? All of this should be done in prayer. We can't be healed without prayer. We can't bear suffering well without prayer. We can't have healthy conversations without prayer. Pray before your conversations, for their openness and your strength. Pray during them, for wisdom and the right words. Pray after them for thanksgiving and forgiveness and for continued help.

As you analyze these conversations over time, set a goal to have more good conversations and fewer bad and ugly ones. This is something you can control, even when you can't control the addiction.

Most of all, ask for healing. When we receive the healing touch of Jesus, we can manage addiction conversations with more grace. We can find peace in the storm. We can be more resilient. We can become saints.

Questions for prayer

1. What patterns in conversations with the addict and other stakeholders need to change and why?

2. What steps will I take to change unhealthy patterns and have conversations that leave me with peace?