Colleen Orchanian

When someone you love has an addiction, especially alcohol or drug abuse, it's likely that they will spend some time in a drug rehab center. One statistic I found said that 40-60% who go through rehab relapse in the first year. The numbers vary based on the type of addiction. Many go through rehab multiple times. That's why this post is called the Rehab Roller Coaster. There are ups and downs, big ups and deep downs. And it's usually a really long ride.

We get our hopes up when they agree to go to rehab. They might be good for a while, and then they relapse; our hope drops. They decide to try again, and we go back up, hoping a little, but maybe we're a little more uncertain this time. If they make it through, great. But then there's another relapse. After every relapse, we hope a little less, until we are so skeptical that we doubt they will ever maintain sobriety. That's the roller-coaster ride. And it's terrible.

There are four main recovery options on this ride:

• Medical detox. The addict is in a hospital where they manage the detox; getting medicine to help deal with the withdrawal symptoms.

• Residential treatment. This is a live-in program, often around 30 days, where they detox and learn to cope so they can avoid relapse. This was illustrated well in the movie 28 Days with Sandra Bullock.

• Outpatient treatment. My dad worked in this area, counseling addicts who came several times a week for methadone treatment.

• Sober living homes. Sometimes addicts commit to an extended living arrangement for a year, following house rules, working, contributing to the home, and learning to function without drugs or alcohol.

One thing I learned while researching this is that when a person relapses, they return to the addiction at the same place they were when they stopped using. So if I got to my rock bottom - drunk every night and blacking out – then went to rehab and got sober, if I relapse, I don't begin with one bad night of drinking. I begin with drunk every night and blacking out. That's now my starting point, not my ending point. It's going to get worse.

As the one who loves an addict, many times I've thought, how can this not be rock bottom? And each time I have found that she could fall even deeper. There is a deeper bottom.

Our emotions during this time include hope (at least at the beginning), disappointment, discouragement, self-doubt (Am I doing the right thing?), guilt (What did I do wrong?), anger (at the addict, at the rehab that didn't work), resentment (especially when you are sacrificing to afford rehab that isn't working). There are moments of peace when we know they are in a place that might help them, and we aren't dealing with the chaos of addiction in our home for a time, but that doesn't last if they relapse. Through it all, we might feel abandoned by God when our prayers go unanswered.

Where can we go wrong while on the rehab roller coaster?

• Controlling. We want to control the addict and their recovery. We can be like a helicopter parent, hovering over the person when they get out. We watch what they are doing, looking for any signs of relapse. We think that by controlling their every move, we can keep them sober or clean. We can't. And they can't control it either. That's one of the key points of AA. They admit they can't control their addiction. So, I can't control it. They can't control it. Who is in control? God. This is where I need to surrender everything. Find prayers of surrender and pray them every day. Multiple times if you need to. Place your fears, hurts, and hopes at the foot of the cross. Say, Jesus, I trust in You. Help me trust You more.

• Enabling. What does this mean? We are not allowing the addicted person to accept the consequences of their actions. They get into trouble, and we bail them out. Or we treat them like a child who needs help, and we are the one to help. But sometimes we do things for them that they should do for themselves. For example, they need to get a job but don't want to do the work to apply. So we fill out the application, and we call to follow up. These are things the addict can and must do for himself or herself.

• Resisting. Maybe we are angry and hurt from all the pain of their addiction. They finally get home, but we aren't willing to get rid of the alcohol in the house. Why should I stop drinking when it's their problem? Or we want to go out to a bar and they should come along and just not drink. Why should I suffer just because they are a drunk? I've suffered enough. This comes from the wounds they inflicted on us in the past. It's not God's way, though. And it shows that I need healing. If I am not attending to my own healing, I am missing something really important. God wants to heal me.

• Lashing Out. This is so easy to do when you are on the fourth rehab, you've spent tens of thousands of dollars, and they have another relapse. The things we say can be hateful and unproductive and not of God. These are the things we have to take to God in confession. Our rage, our bitterness, our resentment, our unforgiveness.

Virtues for this season

In the last post, I talked about the first step in the addiction journey: admitting that there is a problem. The virtue for that step is honesty. We need to lean on that virtue in this step because often the addict seems to live in an alternate reality. You might hear them say while in rehab, "I don't belong here. I'm not like these people. I don't think I have a problem." You don't have to convince them they have a problem (because you can't), but you can still speak the truth, whether or not they agree.

Another virtue to pray for during this roller-coaster time is fortitude. This is endurance, patience, and courage in the face of difficulties. We need fortitude to keep going to church, maintain our prayer life, trust in God's perfect plan, and know that God loves the addict more than we do. When you're at your last nerve, fortitude keeps you saying, like the little engine that could, "I think I can, I think I can." Maybe a better thing to say is, "I know God can. I know God can. Lord, increase my faith. Help me persevere. Give me hope."

A Saint for inspiration

St. Mark Ji Tianxiang (1834–1900) is the Catholic saint of addiction who was an active opium addict and never recovered. He was a doctor in China and became addicted after taking opium for a severe stomach ailment. He had been addicted for 30 years and never overcame that addiction. As a result, he was denied confession and Communion by his priest, who thought he lacked true repentance. After all, if he had true repentance, he should have overcome the addiction. But St. Mark remained faithful, attended daily Mass, and was martyred for his faith during the Boxer Rebellion. 

His life shows us that addiction does not mean a lack of faith or that the person cannot live a holy life. His life also gives us a powerful example of reliance on God's mercy. As we live through the rehab roller coaster, we pray for St. Mark's intercession. (For my non-Catholic readers, this means that we ask the saint to pray for us, just as we ask a person on this earth to pray for us.)

If you are currently riding the roller coaster, there are moments of peace. There are consolations of the Holy Spirit, even when recovery isn't happening. Embrace those moments. Reject Satan's whispers that this won't last, that you should give up, that God doesn't care, that yours is a hopeless case. Those are all lies. Receive the blessings and consolations that God provides, because he gives them to strengthen us for the journey. He is with us always.

Questions for prayer

1. What has your roller-coaster experience been like, and what emotions are you dealing with now? What do these emotions tell you about how you see yourself, God, and the addict? What is true and what is a lie?

2. Is there something you might change about how you're living through the rehab roller coaster? What difference might this make for you?