Houston, We Have a Problem
[This is part of a series on addiction from the perspective of one who loves the addict, not the addict him/herself.]
Apollo 13 is the NASA mission where an oxygen tank exploded on the way to the moon. The famous quote from this disaster is "Houston, we have a problem." This phrase is one we often use to indicate a serious problem that requires immediate attention.
When we become aware of the addiction of someone we love, we have a problem. It's serious, and it requires immediate attention. How we handle that problem matters. Unfortunately, there is not a guaranteed one-size-fits-all solution. In the movie Apollo 13, Mission Control in Houston works with the astronauts to find a solution. They try a lot of different things before they find the solution that will bring them home.
Addiction can be a lot like that. The disease is so complex that there is no easy answer. We try something; it fails. We go in another direction; there may be a little progress, but nothing that lasts. We think outside the box because the standard things aren't working. Like the crew and mission control in Apollo 13, we don't want to give up because giving up could mean death. And so we keep trying. Failure is not an option. That's the life of addiction.
This series is about addiction, but I won't focus only on the addiction itself and how it works. You can get that from Al-Anon or other Twelve-Step programs. My goal is to shine a light on the spiritual side of loving an addict. There have been times when I knew my behavior with the addict was wrong. I knew I had sinned. But it was so hard to identify how I was sinning. Paul wrote, "Be angry but do not sin." (Ephesians 4:26) I was great at the first part, but not so good with the second part.
So what happens at the beginning? We admit that there is a problem. That's the first step in AA and in Al-Anon. We want to know as much about the problem as possible.
We can begin by considering three questions about our relationship with the addict. Where are we? Where have we been? Where is the addict?
Where are we? What is the relationship like right now? The answer may depend on how you found out there was a problem. They got arrested. They confessed to you. You caught them in the act. You might define where you are like this: It's my husband, and I thought everything was fine until this happened. It's my child, and we have been butting heads for so long that we can't speak without yelling. It's my sibling and I am angry because of the pain they are causing my parents. It's my mother, and I have avoided being around her for months because she is unpredictable.
Where have we been? What has the relationship been like up to this point? It's possible that you suspected a problem but dismissed your concerns. Or maybe you have challenged them in the past, but they always had an answer, even attacking you for not trusting them. Chances are there has been some tension in the relationship. Maybe you excused it and blamed it on unusual events in your life—we just moved, it's the new job, etc. When someone has an addiction, healthy relationships become more difficult. Good relationships begin to suffer, and you notice that even when you don't know the cause.
As you consider where you are and where you have been in the relationship, name your feelings, your hurts, and your fears. Here are some common ones:
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Vindication. I knew it! I knew he was doing something wrong.
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Shock: I can't believe this is happening. I was blindsided.
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Self-condemnation. How did I not see the signs? What a fool I have been! What did I do wrong?
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Distrust. I can't believe anything they say. Everything has been a lie.
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Resentment. I've been pinching pennies, going without, and he's been wasting our money on that!
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Anger. All this time she tried to make me the bad guy. Made me feel guilty when it was always her. I am so angry at all the lies and manipulation.
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Discouragement. Our marriage is over. I can't live with this. I thought we would be married forever. This cannot be fixed.
Those are some of the emotions you might be feeling. Spend time identifying your own—and be specific. Write them down. Not to share with others, but to know where you are coming from.
Where is the addict? Do they agree that there is a problem? The addict can be in one of three places:
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They admit the problem and are ready to do something. When you get over the shock, you may be able to work together to deal with the addiction and restore your relationship.
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They admit the problem but are not ready to change. This often leads to conflict as you try to change the addict, to control their addiction. There are a lot of emotions that result from their unwillingness or inability to stop, even though it is destroying your relationship.
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They don't admit that there is a problem. We have different versions of reality, and that's difficult to overcome. We know, but they are in denial.
Knowing where the addict is, and being aware of our own feelings about the situation, can help us navigate the turbulence that comes with addiction.
There is an additional element that should be considered here, which will affect how we deal with the knowledge of an addiction. Our past wounds and traumas can be triggered. If I experienced rejection as a child, that is a wound I carry. It will be triggered when I acknowledge the addiction of someone I love. I may feel that I am being rejected all over again. Knowing our preexisting wounds will help us process the emotions we have today.
All of that information is important to know. Important to process. But there is more to consider as Christians. How do we navigate through addiction with grace, with faith, with confidence in God (not in ourselves)?. The Al-Anon Group believes that our personal happiness does not depend on the absence of addiction, but on personal recovery, emotional maturity, and spiritual peace.
Personal recovery means healing—for you—not the addict. Yes, they need healing, but you can't do that. Your healing is just as important.
What wounds do I need healed, both from the addiction of the person I love and from my past? They are connected. If I focus on the healing of the other, on the sobriety of the other, my own healing takes a back seat. It doesn't have to be that way and should not. My healing can't depend on the addict because I can't control their behavior. My healing comes from bringing the pain to God in prayer, trusting in the healing of Jesus, opening my wounds to the Lord and inviting Him in. Two helpful resources for healing are Al-Anon and a book called Be Healed by Dr. Bob Schuchts.
Emotional maturity means acting like an adult, controlling your emotions and your passions. You might think, I'm a lot more emotionally mature than my addict! That may be true, but it's not a high bar. They are egocentric, need immediate gratification, and often cannot control their emotions. We ought to be more emotionally mature than they are. But, because of our pain, we can be vengeful, passive aggressive, and say hateful things in response to their behavior. That's not emotionally mature. Maturity comes with healing.
Spiritual peace means that we surrender control to the only one who actually has control. God. We can have spiritual peace while carrying a heavy cross. But we cannot have it unless we have a relationship with God—the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. That relationship brings healing, which brings emotional maturity, which brings spiritual peace.
In the beginning, when you finally know that there is a problem, the most helpful thing you can do is work on your spiritual life, be united to God like the vine is to the branches.
In this season of admission, acknowledging the addiction, the virtue we should nurture is honesty. Families with addiction have a culture of dishonesty, of lying. The addict lies to cover up their problem. We lie when we tell others we're fine, but we're not. We lie to the addict about how we're feeling or what we need or the impact of their addiction on us and others. We've heard so many lies that we may not know what's true anymore.
My experience with lies and addiction was like this. I heard a lot of terrible things about the people in the addict's life: how awful they were to her and the trouble they caused. And I believed it. No wonder she was addicted. Then I found out the lies she told others about me and my family, and I realized that she lied a lot. I can't believe the things that she says because much of what she told me was lies. We have to change this culture of dishonesty. WE have to do that. They won't.
Honesty matters. I can't make her tell the truth. That is out of my control. But I can tell the truth myself, and I can call her on the lies that she tells. When she asks me if I think she's doing something wrong, I can say yes. That's bad for you. When she asks me for forgiveness, instead of saying, "It's okay," (because it's not), I can say, "That really hurt me. And I forgive you." Jesus never minimized the sins or faults of those around Him. He told the woman caught in adultery to go and sin no more. He didn't say, I'm sure you had a good reason, or it's understandable because of your family. He forgave sins and called people to be better.
When Peter denied him three times, he didn't yell at him. He looked at Peter. A look of disappointment and knowing. Knowing that Peter would do it. He warned Peter in advance. Jesus didn't offer any excuses. You were afraid. You thought you might be hurt. I get it. He simply asked, "Do you love me, Peter?"
Dr. Jordan Peterson said that lies work in the short term, but truth works in the medium and the long term. He explained that it is easier to go with a lie in the short term, to agree that there isn't a problem, for instance. But that doesn't work in the long-term. We have to let go of the quick, easy lie and speak the truth. We have to have the courage and fortitude to get through the short term, so that truth becomes the norm and not lies.
What is the truth?
Here is a truth you might say to the addict in this season of admitting the addiction: You have a problem. You have hurt me. You hurt your family. You lied and stole from us. I can't trust you, and that hurts. I am so angry. I don't know if our relationship can be saved. If that's the truth, it's okay to speak it.
Here is a truth you might say to a friend who asks how you're doing: I'm not having a good day. I really need prayer. Can you pray for me? You don't have to give details. Just ask for prayers.
Here is a truth you might say to your children: Daddy (or Mommy) is sick and can't be a good parent to you right now. This is not your fault. I love you very much. We use age-appropriate language to speak about addiction with kids.
It's helpful to wonder why we aren't being honest. It can be that we are so used to living with lies that we don't realize we're doing it. Maybe we are afraid that the truth will trigger something in the addict, and we don't want that conflict. We might be trying to protect someone with the lie. Seek to understand your own comfort with and need for lies. At the end of each day, ask yourself, When was I not being honest today? Why did I feel the need to lie or to stay silent? When we understand our comfort with dishonesty, we can begin to change. We can live in truth, and that is fundamental to managing our relationship with an addict.
Our final thought for this season of addiction is to call on the saints for help. Today's saint is Padre Pio. He was a mystic who lived in Italy and died in 1968. One of his many gifts was the ability to read souls. If a person came to confession and hid their sins, he confronted them. He told them their sins. You couldn't get away with anything with him. He demanded complete honesty. I suggest that you pray to Padre Pio for the courage to always speak the truth.
St. Padre Pio, pray for us.
Questions for prayer:
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Do you remember when you first learned or admitted that someone was struggling with addiction? What were some of the wounds you had to deal with at that time?
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How comfortable are you with honesty, speaking the truth? What keeps you from living from a place of truth?
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How has God used addiction to strengthen your relationship with Him?