Colleen Orchanian

This is the beginning of a series on addiction. But it isn't about addicts; it is for those who love them. When a family member or friend is addicted, there is a great spiritual battle happening, not just in their life, but in the lives of those around them.

I was going to compare addiction to a roller coaster, but it didn't work because there is a thrill to a roller coaster ride. It can be scary and fun. Living with an addict is not usually thrilling, although you might be drawn to someone like that because responsible people are boring. But when the addiction gets to a certain point, it's not thrilling anymore.

I think addiction is more like turbulence. When you're flying, you might experience light turbulence, like a bump in the road. Other times it's moderate turbulence, and the pilot does what he can to avoid it. Very rarely you experience unexpected severe turbulence, and it can be downright terrifying. You may fear that you will die. There are times of severe turbulence that result in the plane crashing. Lives may be lost, and even those who survive will have lasting physical and psychological damage. Addiction can be like all of those kinds of turbulence. That's been my experience.

My father was an alcoholic who stopped drinking when he was forty. My niece struggled with addiction for 25 years before her death this month. My nephew had an addiction to heroin for many years and is now 12 years clean, praise God. My spiritual daughter has been fighting drug addiction for many years and cannot care for her two children. A friend lost her son to addiction. Another friend overcame an addiction many years ago, but someone she loves is addicted to alcohol. I could go on and on with the people I know who have suffered through the addictions of those they love. This is a universal problem. I don't think I know anyone who has not had to deal with it in some way.

So I am feeling called to do this series on addiction. My goal is not to help you convince the one you love to get clean and sober, to give up whatever addiction they have. That is an impossible task. Believe me, I've tried. My goal is instead to offer some ways to deal with the spiritual side of what's happening in your relationship with the addict, your relationship with God, and your relationship with the devil.

In this first post, I'll give an overview of what might be happening at different times or seasons in an addiction. In later posts, I'll go into each season in more depth. What's happening? What spiritual attacks are common? What virtues are helpful and can be cultivated in that season? How is God working in that season? How can we respond to the challenges in a way that is not sinful, that doesn't give us a reason to head to Confession? And in each episode, I'll share a story of one of the patron saints of addiction.

Let's start with a definition of addiction, this one from Google AI: Addiction is a chronic condition characterized by a compulsive, uncontrollable need to use a substance (like drugs or alcohol) or engage in a behavior (like gambling or pornography), despite harmful consequences. It changes brain function, making it difficult to stop and leading to intense cravings, withdrawal symptoms, and damaged relationships or health.

My experiences include people addicted to various drugs, alcohol, and pornography. You may know people with those same addictions, or it could be something else, like an addiction to shopping or gambling. The addiction—whatever it is—will change the brain function, which is why it is so difficult to stop. It's important to understand that part of the disease. We know people who have tried to quit many times and just can't do it. If we have never experienced addiction ourselves, we may not be able to understand the craving they feel, the inability to stop.

Another part of the definition of addiction is that it damages relationships. That's where we come in. When a person chooses drugs over their child, for instance, the child feels rejected and abandoned. Those wounds last a lifetime. When a person chooses pornography, the spouse feels rejected, not good enough. When someone drinks too much, they do and say hateful things they don't remember, which still hurts us terribly. When a child is using drugs, they lash out at their parents, lie, steal, and sometimes attack them physically. These relationships can be broken permanently.

It is helpful to identify what's happening in your relationship with the addict. How do you feel about them? The answer is likely very complex. We can love them and be furious with them. We can be done with them and still love them. We can set boundaries to protect ourselves and others, and still feel heartbroken and guilty. Naming what has happened, how you feel about it, and the wounds you carry from it is important.

As I was pondering this challenge with addicts, I thought about the different seasons we can be in with an addict, and I identified nine. They are not linear. They represent where our relationship might be with the person and where they are in their addiction. You might experience some of these seasons and never be in another of them. Here are the seasons—very briefly.

1. Admitting there is a problem. This is the first step in twelve-step addiction programs. The interesting thing is that you can admit there is a problem even if the addict does not. Before you get to this point, you might dismiss the warning signs or be in denial when the problem is obvious. But when you finally realize the truth, you know there is a problem. You can't pretend anymore.

2. Hard decisions. This is when you feel like you have to do something—something difficult, something you don't want to do, but know that you should. Should I kick them out? Should I leave my husband/wife? Should I bail them out of jail? Should I give them more money? Should I pay for yet another rehab stint? There is often no right answer, but we need to take these questions to prayer to discern God's will. Guilt and fear should not drive the decision.

3. Stagnation. This season is a time when nothing positive is happening. They are still using, and there is no talk of rehab. It might be like a truce: you don't mention it; they don't talk about it. You just keep living with no plan for change. I think this is a time when we can become cold to them. There may not be much conflict because we don't see a point, or lots of conflict with no resolution. Part of us may have given up and can't put in the effort emotionally to try to change them. (We should never try to change them. We can only change ourselves.)

4. Estrangement. We may have initiated it. You kick the addict out of the house. You don't take their calls. Or it may be them. They don't call anymore. If they do, it's because they need something. When you don't hear from them, you wonder if they are still alive. There is a peace in that the conflict is gone for a time, but fear about what might be happening to the one you love.

5. The Rehab Roller Coaster. This is when the person goes to rehab, then comes out. Is clean for a while, and then relapses. They go back in for another round of detox. Sometimes they stay the full time; other times they leave before they are ready. Some people have been to rehab dozens of times. Each rehab they go to takes a little bit of your heart. Takes a little more of your hope. Takes a little more (or much more) of your money.

6. Jail/Hospitalization. Sometimes the addict is in an institution, either for crimes committed or a medical condition. This can be a time of relief because at least you know they are safe for the time being. And sometimes they have a break from the people and places that make it easy to feed their addiction, which allows for some healing. Often the most healing letters you might get come during this time.

7. Recovery begins. This is a season of cautious hope. There may come a time when the person is clean and sober, is not gambling or watching pornography. They have stopped and are in some type of program to control the addiction. But—it ain't easy. For them or for you. When my father stopped drinking, he was still a difficult person to deal with. Sometimes we wished he would start drinking again. The reason is that addiction is often used to numb the pain of life. When the person stops drinking, the pain is still there. The thing they were trying to drink away is still a problem. They haven't been healed. They just removed the numbing agent, and they are very hard to live with.

8. Sustained recovery. Here is a great place to be. There is confidence that the addiction is under control. Now it's time to rebuild trust. You might start when recovery begins, but then the person is dealing with their internal stuff. They are more self-focused. But when they get to sustained recovery, they can help others. They can look outward. It's not about them anymore. Yes, there is still healing happening internally for the addict, but they can begin to work on healing the broken relationships that are the result of their addiction. It is a time when we might be able to let them in a bit, even though we are still wounded.

9. Death. Sometimes, like my niece Jennifer, there is no sustained recovery. The one we love dies. It could be an overdose, an accident, murder, or poor health from the effects of drugs. There is great grief, a broken heart that you can't imagine ever healing. At the same time, you may feel some relief that you don't have to worry about them anymore, that they are free of pain. And then you feel guilty for the relief. This is the turbulence that ends in a plane crash.

Those are some of the seasons we might experience when someone we love is addicted. If you have read something that resonates with you, that sounds like something you have experienced in your own life, keep reading. Each of the next posts will go in depth on a different season. The focus will be on how we live through these seasons from a spiritual perspective. And not just live through them, but find the spiritual fruit in our cross. The focus is on you—not on the addict. It's about how you can suffer well through the addiction of someone you love. It's about how you can draw on the grace of God to persevere, to keep your faith, and trust in God's providence. It's about how you can heal from the wounds inflicted by the addict you love.

Let's get on the plane. There might be some bumpy air, and you'll need to keep your seatbelts fastened.

Questions for prayer

• Who is my addict and what season of addiction are we in?

• What hurts or wounds have I suffered because of their addiction?

• What fruit do I hope will come from exploring this series on addiction?