Colleen Orchanian

[Continuing the series on spiritual warfare] 

James Chapter 3 is about taming the tongue. He writes: With [the tongue] we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth comes blessing and cursing. My brethren, this ought not to be so.

The devil attacks us in our conversations. He doesn't want us to tame the tongue. He doesn't want holy conversations.

What is a holy conversation? Ephesians 4:29 tells us, Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Does that describe your conversations? It doesn't always describe mine.

We are tempted to engage in conversations that are not edifying, are not uplifting, are not blessing the other person. We may be more susceptible to this type of attack with specific people in our lives. People we like. People we go to church with. People we work or volunteer with. We might even consider them "good" people. And we might consider that we are good people, too. Where do we go wrong?

Here are some examples of the conversations that don't meet the standard described by Paul in Ephesians:

• Gossip. Sometimes, even with good intentions, we share or seek more information than is necessary. What's going on with so-and-so? Did they get divorced? We need to pray for them - did you hear what happened? Paul warns against gossip in 1 Timothy 5:13: Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not. It doesn't matter if we initiate the conversation. If we participate, we have fallen for the attack. We are disobeying God.

• Whining and Complaining. This is when we unload about something to the wrong person. I can unload to my husband, but if I unload to everyone in my life, that's a problem. Whining is an attack on our relationship with others. It feeds our pride in that we think we shouldn't have to deal with whatever is going on. We're above that suffering. That's a lie. Jesus tells us to pick up our cross and follow him.

• Politics and Religion. There is an old saying that you should never talk about politics or religion. I don't think many people follow that today. The state of the world, the church, and our nation are not good. We too often "go there." We either commiserate about how bad it is or we argue about our differences. Neither has any edifying value. My dad used to have conversations with another man about the state of the Church. Then he would come talk to me and be very agitated. He was fine before the conversation, but not afterward. Where was the good in the conversation? They could not change the things they thought were wrong. It didn't lead them to prayers of reparation for the Church. The only outcome was agitation. That is not from God. It is a spiritual attack.

• Judging. People don't always do things the way we would. Years ago, I was teaching a class that included a personality profile. You learned about four different styles and how to work with each one. One person commented that she had the same style as her husband and now understood their conflict. Both had a "best way" of washing dishes and the other person did it wrong. It caused many fights. Their individual ideas of the right way allowed a spiritual attack on their marriage. We, too, can be attacked when we know the right way. I like this kind of music at church. I think the priest could have had a better homily. I don't like the way this person leads the Bible Study. I can find myself drawn into judgmental conversations with certain people in my life. And I know it is a spiritual attack.

• Good Intentions. Sometimes the attack is caused by someone with very good intentions. This happened with Jesus and Peter. Jesus gives Peter the keys to the kingdom, essentially making him His prime minister because of a holy conversation about the identity of Jesus. Minutes later, because of an unholy conversation, Jesus calls him Satan: Get behind me, Satan. Peter was well-intentioned, but, as Jesus said, you are not thinking like God. Someone with good intentions might try to persuade me to avoid a difficult task God has for me. That's a spiritual attack.

• Common Weaknesses. My dad once told me that he changed spiritual directors because the person was too much like him. Rather than challenging Dad to grow in holiness, he gave him a pass on their common faults. They were minor faults, but faults nonetheless. Any time we are led to ignore the call to holiness, it's a spiritual attack.

• Suffering. Jesus was very clear that we would suffer. And we do. HOW we suffer is worth considering. How did Job suffer? He said, The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the Lord. His friends said, You must have done something wrong to bring on these troubles. The spiritual attack here is to place blame and to focus conversations on our suffering. Whose fault is this suffering? Let me tell you how much I'm suffering. I don't deserve this suffering. When we instead respond like Job, the attack fails.

These examples show how easy it is to succumb to a spiritual attack in our conversations with others. Whenever you're with this person, maybe you complain a lot. When with another person, you gossip. Some people bring out the worst in us. Maybe we should stay away from them. That is an option. Some relationships are toxic and we are not strong enough to continue them without harming our souls or our self-image. But most of the time, that's not the right solution.

My original thought about this specific attack was to address holy friendships, but then I realized that we can have holy friendships that sometimes include unholy conversations. So ending the relationship doesn't help us grow in holiness.

It's kind of like saying someone is a bad influence on me, without taking responsibility for my own weaknesses. It's another spiritual attack—blaming them. Instead, we must recognize our weaknesses and our willingness to go there with them. I always have a choice. God wants me to choose to grow stronger, to better fight the temptation to engage in unholy conversations.

So what else can I do? Here are some options.

1. Be direct. My friend Mary Claire did this with me many years ago. She said, Can we change the subject? I just went to confession and I'm trying not to gossip. She wasn't criticizing me—simply explaining her own needs.

2. Redirect. Change the subject. Mary Claire did that very directly, but we can be subtle as well. When a child is acting up, we're told to redirect their behavior. That works with adults, too.

3. Shine a light. A friend once complained about having trouble making ends meet. I suggested some ways she could make money, and she rejected every one of them. So I said, It seems to me you don't want to change things because you reject every idea. Why not stop saying, I can't do it, and think about what you CAN do? And she did. She was obviously ready to hear that message, even though I had no way of knowing that when I made the observation.

4. Bring God into the conversation. Once a friend listened patiently to me complain and then said, We need to pray about that right now. And we did. It stopped my complaining. I've had people in spiritual direction rehash arguments they had with someone. My job is to show them where the devil was attacking in that argument, even though a part of me wants to take sides. I'm always better off talking about God than sharing my opinion.

Those are four things to do in the moment. What about a long-term solution? As with every spiritual attack, we have to recognize our weaknesses and why they are such a temptation for us. Why do I gossip? Why do I talk about politics when I can't control what someone in the government is doing? Why do I so easily allow myself to be sucked into conversations that agitate me? What is it in ME that is weak? Self-knowledge is the key. Maybe I think I'm smarter than everyone else. Maybe I am certain that my faith came from me and not as a grace from God. Maybe I want others to recognize what a good person I am—this long-suffering living martyr. All of that is such foolishness, and whatever is true about me, I must know so I can fight the spiritual battle.

When I have a clear understanding of my weaknesses in conversations, I can begin to change. I can heal those parts of me that fall too easily. I can notice who I indulge with and ponder why. Why am I comfortable commiserating with them? I can pay attention to my conversations and do a daily examen. Was I conscious today of how I spoke with and to others? Did every conversation meet the standard set by Paul in Ephesians? Was it good for building up? Did it give grace to those who heard?

I suspect that I will continue to fight this particular spiritual attack on my conversations for much of my life. And with practice, desire, and grace, each day I will have more success. I will have more holy conversations. And I will help others do the same. May that be your desire as well.

Questions for Prayer:

1. What kinds of unholy conversations do you fall into, and why? Who joins you in these unholy conversations?

2. What is one action you will take to engage in more holy conversations in the future? What is God calling you to do?