Colleen Orchanian

Many years ago, I did a personal inventory at work, a common practice in the business world. You learn about your personal style and tendencies so that you can better manage relationships. One particular instrument measured three factors, one of which was control. How much do you try to control yourself and how much do you try to control others? I had the highest possible score. As I proudly shared that with the group, someone commented, "I don't think that's a good thing." Really? Why would that not be good? Who would not want to be in control of their life?

That was a long time ago, when my faith was dormant. I believed the illusion that I was in control. Now I know better. I was reminded of that experience recently during my morning prayer. One of the Mass readings was 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, which states, Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. It was the last part that hit me. This is the will of God for you.

When things are not going my way, that's not my first thought. Often, I get frustrated. I might look for whom to blame. That doesn't last too long, and then I get to fixing it. These days I am more likely to go to prayer before I move into fix-mode, which shows progress.

Progress. That was the next place I went in my meditation. I was remembering how I approached things 15 years ago and the progress I have made since then. I had begun a group called Sisters in Faith. We meet monthly for teaching, discussion, and lunch. I did everything. Planned the meeting, prepared the food, set up the room, and cleaned up after. If anyone asked if they could help, I said no. It took me about two years before I accepted help from others, finally allowing them to bring food. And even then, I was in control by coordinating what they brought. I needed three pots of soup and three breakfast dishes. Now, all these years later, I have no idea who is bringing what and how much is coming. But every month there is enough food for all. I have made progress.

I have also made progress in the meeting structure. I began with a desire to control the small-group discussions. They had three questions to explore. I would check on the tables to make sure they were staying on track. I'd let them know when they should be done with the first question and move on to the second, and then the third. That might have worked well when I was leading training workshops in a business setting, but it wasn't good for a spiritual discussion. I didn't leave room for the Holy Spirit. Today, I rarely go to the tables during discussions. I am attentive if they have a question, but otherwise I stay out of it. I tell them to let the Holy Spirit lead. If that means they only get through one question, that's fine.

So… back to my meditation. I am thinking about how much progress I've made in letting go of control, accepting help, and giving the Holy Spirit room to work. I am feeling pretty good about myself. I have figured out this control thing. Yay Me!

I even began thinking about all those other people who don't understand this yet. They still try to control. "I'm so glad I'm not like them," I thought. And as I heard that thought, I was reminded of the Scripture passage in Luke 18:11, where the Pharisee said something similar. I'm glad I'm not like that tax collector. Yikes! It was like God was looking at me with eyebrows raised, saying, Really? You've got this control thing figured out? You have surrendered all to me? I do not think that word means what you think it means.

I hate when that happens! But I love it too, because it's when I grow.

Surrender. What does that word mean?

There is the surrender to an enemy, when we know we have lost the fight and we give in to them. The only other option is death. We are humiliated because of our failure. Now they have complete control over us. That's not the proper meaning of surrender when we're talking about faith.

There is the surrender in frustration, when we have tried and failed and now we need someone else to fix it. We're mad because we wanted to do it ourselves but couldn't. We are like a little child trying to tie his shoes. He starts out patient and confident. When his little fingers can't get the loops right, he gets mad. You offer to help, and he refuses. He wants to do it himself. Finally, in frustration, he gives up. Begrudgingly he lets you do the work.

I can be that way, especially when I'm trying to fix a person and it's not working. I go to God with my list of all the things I've tried that have failed. What else am I supposed to do, Lord? This is impossible. You fix them! And I walk away. It's not my problem any longer. Like Pilate, I wash my hands and declare that I am not responsible. That's not the right meaning of surrender in faith.

Another type of surrender is the "whatever" surrender. What do you want for dinner? Whatever. You decide. With a teen it might be, You need to study for that test, and they respond, Yeah, whatever. It's fine. I'm fine. Or ignoring your spiritual life. Whatever, I don't really have a plan. God will do what he wants. It's a surrender coming from laziness. It's not worth the effort to act. To do something. That's not the meaning of surrender in faith.

There are lots of false ways of surrendering, and I have done them all, and still fall for some of them. But what is the true meaning of surrender? How do we surrender to God well? The foundation is trust.

In the Surrender Novena, we pray, O Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything! Jesus revealed this novena to Fr. Dolingo Ruotolo, an Italian priest, to teach us to turn our troubles over to Him and surrender them to His will. This is founded on two fundamental truths:

1. I am not in control. This is tough for high-control people like me. But the closer I get to Jesus, the more I know this is true. It's the first rule in AA. Admit that we are powerless over the addiction. In reality, we are powerless over so many things. To believe that my perfect plan will go off without a hitch is foolishness. To believe that I can control my kids or husband is ridiculous. Just as ridiculous as their thinking they can control me.

2. I am wholly dependent on God, and He is completely in love with me. That's a quote from In Conversation with God by Francis Fernandez. I am alive because God wills it. Everything depends on Him. And that's okay because He is completely in love with me. Imagine that. Someone who is completely in love with you. Someone who only desires what is good for you, what will strengthen you, what will delight you. We may want that in a spouse, but they are human and can't give that to us. They will always have some concern for their own needs as well. But God needs nothing from us. He only desires our good. We can trust Him.

I imagine myself surrendering to God. I am a little child, holding in my hands the trouble I have, like my untied shoes, my loved ones with no faith, the writing that's a jumbled mess of ideas and no structure. Tears are running down my face from the temper tantrum I just had. I stretch my hands up to Him and say, I'm sorry I've resisted so much. I know you love me. I know you can fix this. I surrender it all to you. Show me what you want me to do, or help me do nothing. Please take it so that I can be at peace. Give me patience in the waiting. Jesus, I trust in you.

That is surrender. I am not surrendering to the enemy of my soul, one who seeks my ruin. I am surrendering to the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Father who loves me. How blessed we are to know this perfect, loving, merciful God. Let go of control. Feel the relief, the peace, the joy, the freedom of surrender.

Questions for prayer:

1. Where have you successfully surrendered to God? What does this feel like for you? How has it been possible?

2. Where do you want to surrender more? What difference might that make in your life?