Colleen Orchanian

I'm reading a book called Humility Rules by Fr. Augustine Wetta. The subtitle is St. Benedict's 12-Step Guide to Genuine Self-Esteem. The title doesn't seem to make sense. How can humility lead to self-esteem?

When I imagine a person with high self-esteem, I see someone who is confident, strong, not afraid of conflict, and able to make things happen. Those words don't tend to be associated with a person known to have great humility. In our culture, it's good to have self-esteem. We want to foster that in our children. Humility doesn't get as much attention. But if humility is the path to self-esteem, it might be wise to spend time learning about it. The book presents some seemingly contradictory ideas about humility and self-esteem.

The first rule is Fear of God. Fear makes me feel weak. When fearful, I don't have confidence in my ability to protect myself, which would weaken my self-esteem. But with fear of God, it's different. I recognize the infinite power of God and my powerlessness. That alone can make me afraid, but it does not because I know God loves me. This great and powerful God loves a nobody like me. I'm powerless, but I don't need power because I have God – and he has power. The source of my self-esteem is the fact that I belong to God. That makes perfect sense.

The second rule is Self-denial—put others first. Our culture tells us to put ourselves first. Then I can serve others. But the Rule of Benedict says to deny yourself in humility. When I practice self-denial, I control my passions. More self-control builds my confidence, which builds my self-esteem. That makes sense.

Rule 3 is Obedience. This one has always been a challenge for me. It's easy to be obedient when I agree with what I'm told to do. I have been known to look for ways around the rules. Does it make sense that if I'm more obedient I'll have better self-esteem? If I choose obedience, just as Jesus chose obedience when he went to the cross, that would strengthen my self-esteem. I can choose obedience without resentment. My ego doesn't get in the way. That's why it helps with self-esteem. That makes sense.

Rule 7 (I'm skipping some rules) is Self-Abasement. Here's something that surely doesn't make sense. How can I practice self-abasement and have self-esteem – at the same time? The answer is to understand the definitions. Self-abasement isn't putting ourselves down or denying a particular gift in our lives. Fr. Augustine says that it's the practice of reminding ourselves that we are nothing without God's grace and will never earn it. That's what gives us confidence. I know I can't do enough to earn God's grace. Alone I am worthless. So when I have success, I'm delighted because I know it is God's doing.

When we use a gift or talent and others compliment us, we can and should acknowledge that gift. Not in an egocentric way – Yes – I know I'm wonderful, but in a way that gives glory to God, who is the giver of the gift. My self-esteem grows because I am delighted with how God is working in my life. In humility, I recognize that any success I have is because of Him. That's how humility and self-esteem go together.

Rule 5 is Repentance. It instructs us to tell our faults to others. How can that build self-esteem? It doesn't make sense. It's like, I messed up here. I broke this commandment. I was ugly to my kids. Man! I am doing great! This is the rule that reminded me of the work of the enemy, Satan. I understand why each of the rules seems to be contradictory. There is a lie in the conventional wisdom – the wisdom of the world.

We know that Satan is the father of lies. And often he mixes some truth with lies, which can make it hard to recognize that we're being attacked. Let's say I've done a bad thing. I want to keep it a secret. That's a spiritual attack. God tells us to confess our sins to one another, while the devil tells us to keep it a secret because he can use it against us. I might think I'm a terrible person and berate myself, get caught up in guilt and shame. That's a spiritual attack. Jesus didn't treat sinners like that. Only the accuser is that way. At the same time, I have to acknowledge my faults and my sins. Not to the whole world, but to the right person. That is the only way to be whole again. When it's hidden, my self-esteem suffers.

Let's look at the rules and compare what God says with what Satan might say.

Fear God. Satan says: Fear God – he will hurt you. God says: I am all-powerful and I love you. I died for you.

Self-Denial. Satan says: Indulge. You'll feel good. You deserve it. God says: Don't do that to yourself. I love you. Your life is too precious.

Obedience. Satan says: You are your own person. Don't let someone else tell you what to do. God says: The rules are for your good. I set before you life and death. Choose life.

Self-abasement. Satan says: You are a worm and nobody can ever love you. God says: Without me you are nothing. So don't be without me. I want you to be one with me.

Pondering the Rules of St. Benedict and their focus on humility, I thought of Mary, the mother of Jesus, a perfect reflection of humility and self-esteem. In humility she tells the angel Gabriel, Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to thy word. When she visits her cousin Elizabeth she says, For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed; for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name. That's humility and self-esteem. She knew who she was – a servant of the Lord – and she rejoiced in it. That is a model for each of us.

God's way doesn't make sense if I see it through the lens of the world. I have to see it through the lens of faith. It makes sense to desire the virtue of humility. If we choose the path of humility, we don't need to worry about self-esteem. It will be a natural – or maybe a supernatural – outcome.

There is much more in the book. It's worth a read. Humility Rules by Fr. Augustine Wetta.

Questions for prayer.

1. Which of the rules do you resist? Which are hard for you to make sense of?

2. How has humility based on faith in God helped your self-esteem?