Colleen Orchanian

Many years ago, I was the Human Resources Manager in a hotel. One of my responsibilities was to assist in performance reviews, and in one of those reviews, I was unexpectedly on the receiving end of the feedback. I had interrupted the employee, and she called me on it. I did not like that, especially because she was an employee whom I didn't much care for. But she was right. And she criticized me well because she told me why interrupting was a problem. In her words, "It's like what you have to say is more important than what I have to say." Ouch!

It's hard when someone criticizes. It's hard to hear it, and it's hard sometimes to give it. There is great potential to damage the relationship, and that's why it's a common spiritual attack.

Criticism is like a minefield. You can get through without being injured, but it isn't easy. If you've been reading this series, you may recall that there are three core attacks, and all others spread from those. The three core attacks are against our self-image (Do I see myself as a beloved child of God?), our image of God (Is He a good Father who loves us perfectly?), and our image of others (Can I see them as God's beloved, too?). Criticism is more or less harmful based on the health of these three images: self, God, and others.

Spiritual attacks differ based on who is being criticized. Is it me, or am I the one giving the feedback? We need grace in both cases to avoid falling spiritually or causing another person to stumble.

As a Christian, I know fraternal correction is good. Jesus said in Matthew 18:15: If a brother sins against you, go tell him his fault, between you and him alone. And Paul writes in Galatians 6:1: If a person is caught in some transgression, you who are spiritual should correct that one in a gentle spirit. It's okay to correct. And it's okay if someone corrects us. Even more, it's our duty as brothers and sisters to help each other grow in holiness, and that sometimes means criticism.

Think about that. When someone corrects you, do you see it as an opportunity to grow in holiness? That's not typically my first thought. When you are correcting another person, is your goal to help them grow in holiness? Again, sometimes my first desire is to stop them from doing what I don't like. That's a far cry from desiring to help them in their pursuit of holiness. I might say, "I'm only doing this for your own good," but my heart would not agree. I could be self-righteous, frustrated, vengeful, or on my last nerve. It's always good to check your heart before criticizing.

Hearing Criticism

When we hear criticism, the spiritual attack is in how we might process that feedback. For example, I'm so stupid. Someone is always criticizing me; it's not fair. They are an idiot; I don't care what they think. I'll tell Mary about it and see what she thinks. I'm sure she will disagree. She's always got my back.

Those are spiritual attacks because they question your core images. If I reject the criticism because I don't like the other person, that's my core image of others. But when they are right and I reject their feedback, I will not grow in holiness. If I lean the other way and allow the criticism to affect my self-image, I'm still not growing in holiness. I just feel bad. If I look for allies to support my perception, I'm rejecting the feedback and reinforcing my poor self-image because I need someone else to tell me I'm okay. Jesus cautioned us against seeking the approval of others.

There is a better way. To listen, evaluate objectively, and then respond. Let's return to my encounter with the employee who told me I was rude when interrupting. I heard her. I could not deny what she said, even though I didn't like it. I'm not sure I responded well in the moment, but if I were to do it over, I would thank her for the feedback. Learning to listen without interrupting is an important skill. The holy saints were great listeners. I need to do better so I can be a great saint as well.

But what if the feedback is wrong? It happens. In another situation, at the end of a meeting at church, someone started criticizing me in the hallway. She kept going on and on, getting louder and louder, even when I apologized. I tried listening, explaining, and apologizing for offending her, but she would have none of it. After a few minutes, I simply walked away. Then I sat and questioned if what she was saying was right, even if her approach was wrong. My goal—and yours—should always be to learn the truth about ourselves. Without self-knowledge, we cannot grow spiritually. The devil would like that, which is why it's a spiritual attack.

Giving Criticism

There are many spiritual attacks when we feel the need to correct another. First is the question about whether to speak up. It takes prudence to give feedback. Prudence is doing the right thing, at the right time, in the right way. Do we speak? If so, when? If then, how do I say it?

The devil can make us fear the confrontation or assume that it is pointless. He might make us question if we have the authority to correct. Can I correct my pastor? Can I correct my parent? The devil might make us wonder if we're being too sensitive. Maybe it's us, not them. Or he suggests that I should just offer it up and not address the problem—suffer in silence. That's what a holy person would do.

These are spiritual attacks because they may be obstacles to helping your brother or sister in Christ grow in holiness. If my conversation with another person, speaking the truth in love, is going to help them grow holier, how can I keep silent? Paul criticized Peter when Peter was being two-faced, acting one way with the Jews and another with the Gentiles. When you are hesitating to give feedback, try to figure out why. Make sure you aren't being led by the devil.

Some of us don't have a problem giving feedback. In that case, the spiritual attack is a little different. We are absolutely certain of the need to criticize. We might have uncharitable thoughts about the other person. They deserve this. They think they are always right. I'll show them. This attack makes it very difficult to speak the truth with love.

Or we might be too soft, beating around the bush and never saying directly what the problem is. This doesn't help the person grow holier because they don't know what you're talking about. It's ineffective, which is fine with Satan.

It's most important when criticizing another to pray into the situation. Pray for clarity about the issue. Pray that the person is receptive to you. Pray that you have the humility to have a fruitful conversation. Pray that you remain open to being wrong or misjudging the situation. Pray that you can speak the truth with love.

As with any spiritual attack, check your core images to find the weaknesses that make you a good target. Are you beating yourself up? Are you tearing the other person down? Either way, the criticism can't be effective, and the attack will succeed.

I encourage you to spend time remembering your experiences with criticism. It's a part of life, and we can grow only by giving and receiving it well. Don't let the devil snuff out the good fruit that comes through fraternal correction.

Questions for prayer:

1. When do you resist criticism? Is it related to a person, your mood, or the specific criticism? What does this tell you about your core images of self, God, and others?

2. How comfortable are you with giving feedback to others? In what way does the devil affect your willingness to criticize and the fruit of those conversations?